Am I UnHappy?

I realized a couple of days ago that I am not happy now. I am not happy with the place I am living, or the people, or my spirituality. I am just trying to keep a float, keep my bearings and not go crazy. I think I have for a while when I was trying to describe my no-spirituality. I think I was trying to find a way to control the situation, the one in my head and in my life.

Then I found feminism. It's definitely a reprieve from the unending depression.

The hard part is flying solo into feminism, me, myself and I have no idea what we're doing (so hold on tight to that broomstick because we might crash). This blog was meant help me get a better grasp on feminism and what it means to me, while curing my feminist ache for action. But while my confused fingers type the words out, would this solve my dilemma? I am still pretty cloudy, and I am a twenty-two, not-in-college but working her butt off to earn a living young woman (I refuse to call myself girl, I am not under twelve, read post below.)

I'm not completely and totally out to everyone I know. It is hard, in light (or darkness) of the recent anti-feminist backlash (our tea parties' anti-feminist "feminism") should I be afraid to be out? I know I shouldn't care, but it's the awkward silence and then the explanation as why I would call myself a feminist. Something like that happening really bothers me because being a feminist and a Witch is a huge part of who I am now.

But besides the political backlash, there are people who do know about it. I have no one to talk to about feminism, but a couple of friends at work. Not really a 'sisterhood' per se. Feminism has opened up my world, like two star struck-eyed couples under a full moon, so why am I still unhappy? Why depressed? The reason is that I have no one to share with and I don't talk about what I like with my boyfriend, I feel like he doesn't listen to me when I talk about what I read, but at work, at lunch I do feel happy because I get to have my 'turn' to talk and everybody looks at me. It's not like I am proselytizing feminism, it's more like, 'Hey, look what I found!' Yesterday we were talking about that Anti-choice, misleading video addressing the "Abortion Industry" and how it's making tons of moolah. It actually says that the "Abortion Industry" is funded, but really it's not. At least I have friends and not completely alone.

So I asked myself, are you happy? No, not really. I think I was at one point, but the sexual harassment that was still fresh in my mind impeded on any happy thought. I tend to remember things and feel the same emotion when remembering. I don't hold on to anything, it's more like, hey I remember that, oh yeah that really sucked.

Besides the unending, sluggish daily work, and the need to communicate my special likes and dislikes, I am feeling empty, otherwise painfully aware of how my life has been. Remember the house fire? I know I keep dragging this card out, but one of the main things wrong with my life is the inability to be a normal productive, resourceful human being. The fire blew me out of the house and now my whirlwind that I call life has finally taken a tole on me.