Most of the time when I am in a conflict with my boyfriend there is a point where saying sorry is expected from me. I don't say sorry for sticking up for myself. The end, period. I remember one conflict arose about feminism, I was reading a bell hooks book and my boyfriend hit the book with his finger, saying, "That is biased." His reasoning? It was because the book's tittle which was "Talking Back." He had never read the book his entire life nor will he ever. This blog post from Spare Candy made me realize this as I was reading. One heated argument led to this, I didn't apologize for the way I was feeling, both confused and angry.
Smiling is another act that is expected of women. When I pass people in the hallways at work, or school there is a point where smiling is expected no matter what mood I am in. But I don't apologize for not smiling either. Since most of the time I don't even want to be a work. Another thing that I notice that is expected of women is we need to be nurturing, maternal, I see this in T.V. shows. Temperance Brennan all of a sudden wanted a baby, perhaps fill the gap in her life. Dr. Cuddy from House decides to adopt a child on her own. The choice to have children is entirely their own, but it is running myth that all women want is a baby. I feel that stereotype at work, too, when I was called a "Little Mama" I had explained I don't want children, and I really had to explain because (apparently) it was confusing to listen to a young woman say she does not want children. A woman who is not maternal is just plain wrong.
But back to apologizing, I don't even know what women are apologizing for, is it not cooking that dinner, cleaning the house right, what is it that makes most women say sorry for when they don't have to? Yahoo News wrote a piece about it saying it is because of perceptions on the discussion/conflict and the women seem to think a lot of things need an apology. So it is in conflicts that women over-apologize. This does seem to make sense, and the article adds that women are more concerned with another's emotional well-being, especially their loved ones. This connects to the stereotype that all women are maternal and nurturing either that or that some women are taught an early age to be maternal/nurturing/caring therefore care more about other's emotional well-being.
These expected acts may be stringed together whether it be a maternal/nurturing streak (whether it is perceived that all women are, or learned attribute from childhood), need to over-apologize or smile walking down a hallway, or street. The study proposes that women feel the need to apologize for more things than men because of emotional attachment to another, perhaps they were taught to be maternal. In a world where boys are taught to be the best and girls are taught to love, to comfort, to nurture this doesn't seem so far-fetched. Girls get babies and barbies, boys get cars and swords. Even in children's movies, in Pixar they have traditional gender roles. Women may been taught to over-apologize when they were young, perhaps not all it once, but slowly introduced to it. When I was a kid I was subjected to "that's not lady-like" strikes, when I picked my nose, or burped, or when I passed gas I would always get that. Do I look like a Lady to you? I was probably eight or ten. On that note women may have this inclination to say sorry for the things they say, subconsciously thinking "that's not Lady-like" or any other parent taught inclination. Not all women have this particular experience, but this was mine and it still stays with me. I don't have a problem with women who are maternal, this just might not even be something that is connected to over-apologizing, but over-apologizing does reflect back to the women in some way. The study proclaims that these women felt a different way, perhaps for their loved one, and so it brings them to apologize more then their male-consort. Which is why I think that through their teaching as a child or young woman they're told that they should want different things than the opposite sex, they feel differently than their counterparts.
But whatever the reason most women do over-apologize or what they apologize for, we shouldn't say sorry when we don't have to. On the same site Dr. Schumann says that perhaps both people need to communicate better. It also reads that women feel victimized, why they apologize when they feel victimized is beyond me, perhaps they would like an apology, too. That's understandable, but I can't make a final conclusion whether the man needs to apologize, too, because I don't know what they were saying or what the conflict was about. But I do know my own conflicts and for the most part I don't need to over-apologize neither do I feel over-concern for the person that I am speaking to.
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