Today I was reflecting back. I remember when the thought of connecting my feminism and my spirituality was a little risky. I began asking myself questions (and trying to answer them the best way I can). Right now I am trying to find my place in the world.
Can I be both a Pagan and a feminist at the same time? Do I want fullness? Do I want wholeness and connection?
Maybe in a way, I am trying to focus at the most simplest tasks like meditating (something that I did all the time when I lived with my parents). I know there is such a thing as 'getting older' but I refuse to take that argument to account. Plenty of Pagans are adults.
What are my views? What is Feminist Witchery to me? Am I willing to answer questions about it? Is it okay to say I don't know to some questions?
Maybe that's why I feel so distracted from life. I don't know and I am trying to know. I am trying to find who I am and what Feminist Witchery/Pagan feminism is. Another question is can there be a difference between the two?
What is my mission at this time?
My mission at this point is to spread the word about Pagan feminism and it’s alive and kicking. In the long-term I have always wanted to be a counselor for women. Right at this moment in my life I feel like I am in a crisis of some sort. I feel completely useless without 'material' resources such as a car. I know there is way to help myself but somehow I feel distracted.
Five years back I thought I would have the things that I needed and I would be well on my way to begin my destiny and wake up everyday with the bird's singing (the second part is actually true). Today I find myself scattered, distracted and two steps behind the original starting point of my life. I am definitely more grown up then I was then. I am certainly more knowledgeable. I am with a great person and I notice things more than my 17-year-old self did (myself five years ago). I am not as angry as I was before, although I do get frustrated.
One of the most important things I have to work on at this point is the feeling of inadequacy. Everyday I think that I am ill prepared. I am worried that I might forget or do something wrong either at a job or as a Pagan Feminist. Worry is what causes me to run away from my problems such as the feeling of inadequacy. After getting worried I get anxious; depressed and I sink into a hole. Not having the right stuff causes me to give up or be distracted from my spirituality in turn myself. I was thinking that a new job may give balance to my life. Maybe a feeling of some sort of security will give me stability. I noticed that I feel more inadequate at work than at home. I am more apt to be aware of my body, my clothes, how I talk, etc. I start marking off the mistakes that I made in every single moment. And then I flog myself for noting such silly things that really don't matter. What I learned from the many Pagan books (lol, and nature) I own there is always destruction before there is creation. Maybe this is the crisis before the unfolding of a new me.
I also realize that I have been making everything else outside of myself malleable. I keep changing things and then I get confused as to who I am exactly. For example: I was working from blogspot, now here and I find myself doing the same insane things over and over again I change my blog or template or picture or title. I realize that I am actually covering up the fact that I want to change myself. I am faking my way to transformation. So I now know that I must be stable in this life. In order for things in my life to become stable I need to make them like that. I am going to stop changing everything outside and focus what's inside. First I have to change my negative feelings about myself AKA tell stop being so conscientious!
I choose to use the image of wildflowers to help me through my negative feelings. Every time I feel myself not measuring up I will visualize my inspiring picture. This will then remind me to see the story beneath the story. Then I will try to move on. I am going to try to do this each day for the next few months and see what happens.
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