How I became a feminist

I read a review on the book CLICK: Young women on the moments that made them feminists and I wondered when my CLICK moment was. I know why I am a feminist. It's because I never, until I did call myself a feminist, liked being female/a woman.

Way back when I was in Fifth or Sixth grade was bullied by boys. I was terrified to go school every day. I feared for my life. Back home it was no better. I did say I was slapped for masturbating, something that is completely natural for any girl or boy to do. I was told that I was stupid. I was told that I was a “cuntsucker” (by my sister). My mother hated hugging me and I beat my head over a steal railing when I was really upset. So my childhood was very weird, abusive, and I never really had rest from self-destruction.

As I got older and eventually went to seventh grade I wanted to be a boy. I hated being female because I was constantly being told on how to dress, act, and how to say things. I hated my life, officially. I wouldn't say I was transgender but I wasn't confused either. I knew that I wanted to be anything but a girl.

Eventually I became a girl. I was in Eighth grade and I was transition. I don't know why I was turning back into a girl; I think it was because my Mother was instilling the girl gender in me. My hair became longer and I wore more tighter and low cut shirts. Eventually guys started to notice me and I was scared. One guy who was in the same grade as I was had asked me out. It scared the fuck out of me and I had an anxiety attack because really I was scared of him. He was a really big guy! Other boys liked me but I tried not to pay attention to them and went on my way. My heart was pounding in my chest and my thoughts racing as I walked down those halls.

At Freshman year an older guy asked me out and we only dated for about a week, but he was really gross. It was like he never bathed. He smelled like cigarette smoke which was horrible. So I cut him lose. And then I dated a guy for over a year and a half starting when I was a freshman. He knew my sister, which a good ticket to meet the girl of your dreams. Be friends with her family, get it in. He watched me all through that Valentine's dance and eventually asked me if I was Mandy's sister. So I said, yea. And he asked me out. I was like, why not? He knows my sister so I guess he is alright.

I really never liked him and I had girl crushes so I went to the dark side. Dun dun dunnnn....hooray for gay!

Being gay really made me realize what I was missing. I liked it a lot. All the girls I went out with never had a problem with me being Pagan or vegetarian or anything. Except that one girl who was crazy, I had some amazing adventures. I was thinking, why couldn't I be gay years ago? Oh yeah, now I remember everyone is taught as if they are straight. Duh, how I can I forget that?

I eventually told my parents but they reacted in a way that was weird. My mother got up from her chair to get my father and tell him to come in. She said, "Stan, get in we need to talk about what we have been talking about."

So they already knew they just never bothered to talk to me. They would rather talk about it by themselves which is weird to me because usually normal people ask their children what's wrong instead of rambling on about it by themselves. I can't remember what happened next, I think they just told me that I thought I was gay, whatever.

I read so many CURVE mags. Oh my Goddess, it was amazing to read so many stories about wonderful LGBTQ peeps. Then I started to move onto BITCH and Ms. I was so turned on. I guess my CLICKS came upon me then when I was reading those mags. I was thinking "Wow." I realized that there was sexism. There was sexism/misogyny everywhere. I was beginning to understand that feminism can help me. I started asking myself can I be a feminist, too? I read and read and read all the books and magazines I could get my hands on. It made me happy to know that feminism is helping the LGBTQ people because women can be LGBTQ as well as straight. So I felt that feminism was right for me. I also read Starhawk's (a Pagan feminist) books over and over again, too. I became aware that feminism and witchery can be intertwined. Working and reading as a Witch and a feminist helped me reconcile with my self-esteem, my self-destructive patterns and it helped me become the person I was meant to be instead of the person that my parents molded. Poorly, I must say.

I also realized that I did undergo sexism myself that and homophobia. I was once called a fag for being a dyke in High School by boys of course. Yea, I know it's insane how far people go to insult someone. No other girl went through this bullying that I knew of. There is barely any mention of boys bullying girls on T.V. so I am very disappointed with that. When there is media attention it is usually covered up by the "boy love" scenario. There was only boy hate when I was in Fifth and Sixth grade (and maybe in High School). The only reason why they bullied me was because I didn't fit into the small definition of what girls are supposed to be like. I wore corduroy overalls, I danced in the rain. I hung out with a fat girl. I am not anybody typical girl (I am grrrl!).

After High School, I became bisexual. Hey, things change. And then I hung out with my old friend, Ryan. Then we went out. My parents took this huge sigh of relief and than asked me if I would lose Ryan and go out with more guys, like it's really their business. In fact Ryan is probably going to be the only guy I would let myself be involved with.

Anyway, I moved to his house and I underwent a huge identity crisis. I was a Witch but I couldn't reconcile with the other definitions of it. Definitions I wouldn't consider myself to be. Anyway, I decided upon feminist. And viola' Feminist Witch!!!!

So there is my long story of how I became a feminist or Feminist Witch. I am aware of the works of Starhawk, Z. Budapest, and T.Thorn Coyle but I am willing to blaze a new path. A path of enlightenment, empowerment and a path that can help other women through their troubles as it did for me. It is my mission to help all women. Remember I want to be a Counselor for women!

Goddess Bless All of Her children.